if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
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the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
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I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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