My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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