I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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