3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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