I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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