I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
