Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
