smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
