Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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