i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Just invented taco cereal.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
