guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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