K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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