you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
