the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I faked an abortion last night.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
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