wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
