Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
