1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
