True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
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It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
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His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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