Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
We need to rekindle our bromance
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize