Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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