My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
