I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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