Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
