Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick