guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
