I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
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