You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
