I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
