just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
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Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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