How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
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Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
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