My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
we made out on top of his cat.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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