This is not my ceiling
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
