just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Found the puke drawer
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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