$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Randomize
