Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
