Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
