There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
