I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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