I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
We got so high we made milksteak
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
jump out the window naked night went bad
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