Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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