how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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