I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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