It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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