Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
