I just pynch a tree in the face
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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