Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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