lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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