the new term for farting is butt boxing.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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