Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize