the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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