I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
