you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
