I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
