The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
