The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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