I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
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A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
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And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
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