My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
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I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
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Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.