dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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