I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
