Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
