I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
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Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
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