They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
