This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
